[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
You Might Also Like
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.