Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

Mornin. * use accordingly

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?