Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

all bases covered

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.