Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

ㅤ

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.