Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

I don’t think my car can fly

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run