Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[at hardware store]
Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please
Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint
Me: *tips hat* *passes out*
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I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.
My neck, my back, my…
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that