@ShortSleeveSuit

[at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

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@MindyFurano

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

@Shade510

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

@HrBry

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@ChiefTwittler

Probing: Aliens have had plenty of time to figure out our biology -now they’re just having fun.

@YesImMatt

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

@Shade510

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

@e4moji

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that