@whatmaddness

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

@AnOrangeSNES

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

@RobertManchild

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

@VeryLonelyLuke

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

@badbanana

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

@delusions_of

Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell “KARATE!”.