[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
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Pringles
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour