I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass
5) Only do number one
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Have you ever been so upset you cried in Spanish.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell “KARATE!”.