Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

🏙👨🏼

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.