[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.


People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.


I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.


Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.


If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.


*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.


CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]


Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.