[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Why is no one talking about this?!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now