@Stellacopter

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

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@stevevsninjas

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

@Fickle_Filly

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

@knot_eye

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

@yoyoha

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

@CharlieDinkin

If you’re feeling worried about how little you’ve achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

@kwirkyKerri

*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.

@AndrewChamings

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.