[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

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officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*


Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.


I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”


I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.


groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok


My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.


I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.


When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”


mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back