When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired
woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?
man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*