Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
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I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the little raccoon” ’cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and carried Lyme disease.
6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!
Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.
6 yo: Oh
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.