At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
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Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out