Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

well this is just bullshirt

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

😍😂🥰😂😍

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

scares

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”