Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?