Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?