Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz