@HousewifeOfHell

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

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@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@wendchymes

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

@Carbosly

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

@Phook75

If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they’d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

@Shen_the_Bird

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

@ryangriffiths

People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.

@AnkCoupleTO

I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!

@ashmensch

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

@qwertying

Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice?

The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?