[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
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Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired