[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?![]()
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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh