At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.