Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

sometimes we need to be reminded

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.