[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
You Might Also Like
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me too
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
best review i’ve ever seen
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.