daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Lmao
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER