Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Thank heavens for community notes

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks