Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Cannot stop laughing at this

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.