[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies