Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.