Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

shakira sharkira

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

thank god the sign was there

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me

“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”