Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.