[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
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All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”