[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

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[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros


Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?


Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.


I’m a mother and even I don’t understand how a woman can go through hours of painful labor and give birth to a healthy baby boy just to name him Guy.


That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.


If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality


[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab


Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.


me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*

friend: *responds*

me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u