[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
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I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.