*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.


If I said I was the king of the jungle, I’d be lion to you.


“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”


*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.


Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”


There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.


Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about


Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.


Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”