*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.


Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles


Alright ok fine


Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.


Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.


Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.


“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.


Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement


[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.


I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”