@krisv_723

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

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@kibblesmith

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

@JoshontheGo

If I said I was the king of the jungle, I’d be lion to you.

@HiddenPinky

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

@GingerHotDish

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

@AHMalcolm

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

@Social_Mime

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

@ilyaschaeffer

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”