*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You Might Also Like
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke