@krisv_723

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

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@GlennyRodge

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

@matt___nelson

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@girl_a_whirl

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

@sixfootcandy

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

@ClichedOut

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”