Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.