Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

My Sentiments Exactly

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

inventing words: clothing

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

Good morning y’all ☀️

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?