Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

🤣🤣

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.