Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.