Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Air pods looking like an angry frog

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.