Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now