[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You Might Also Like
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
inside you are two wolves
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon