My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*jingles half the way*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.