Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there