@Smug_Lemur

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

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@eff_yeah_steph

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

@mela_shea

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

@take2skw

I use words like “acquiesce” and “ubiquitous” in daily conversation and then I throw in a “for reals yo” just to stay mysterious.

@Social_Mime

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

@WritePlay

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@immantweets

MY PARENTS DIDN’T RAISE A QUITTER!! They raised ᵃ ᴾʳᵒᶜʳᵃˢᵗᶦⁿᵃᵗᵒʳ

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@merseytart

Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.