*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’d … I’d rather not.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.