Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Him: Can you say more?
Me: I’m also good at directions
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“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I use words like “acquiesce” and “ubiquitous” in daily conversation and then I throw in a “for reals yo” just to stay mysterious.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
MY PARENTS DIDN’T RAISE A QUITTER!! They raised ᵃ ᴾʳᵒᶜʳᵃˢᵗᶦⁿᵃᵗᵒʳ
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.