*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.