@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.

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@OfficeofSteve

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

@TheRealJackDee

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@RafaelaStoakes

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

@McGrumpenstein

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

@MollyWoooo

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

@dave_cactus

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

@NoogsCorner

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.