Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.