I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.