Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Guantanamo Bae

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs