[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”