[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
choose your fighter
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.