[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
Have a lovely day 😊
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection