[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
👾👾👾