Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.