Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me