at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.