[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.