[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
this post was so formative to me
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
This hospital has everything
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.