[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
just gave your address to some spiders
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Don’t tell me what to do
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent