[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Yes
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”