Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Netflix and you sit over there.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince