[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.