[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.