Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Schrödinger’s cookie

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog