I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
They’re not wrong
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I love the National Park Service.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Beauty and the Beast
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*