@garrettbarry70

[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”

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@KeetPotato

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

@KenJennings

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they

@UncleDuke1969

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

@kaynecaraway

I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.

@tsm560

Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.

@HenpeckedHal

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

@ohpegah

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor