Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

Me when I’m ovulating

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.