Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear