[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up