Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.