Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.