Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.