At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill