At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Thursday
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Brother?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.