At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”