At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.