At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.